I'm into my third week of 45 weeks left in the year, committed to my new goals. So, the good news is I'm getting up at 5am to run several days a week, and I am being better about writing in my food chart, pausing, and slowing down so I can enjoy and observe while I eat my meals.

I'm also happy to say that the bad news is actually good. I had a small binge on Friday night: ate too many nuts, half bag of rice crackers(3 cups?), 2 eggs, and some chocolate covered almonds (10). I was aware I was doing this and never fell fully into a trance, so my conclusion was that I wanted to. I wasn't lonely or stressed, but wanted the pleasure of eating. So, I knew it was the addiction to food/processed food.

Several important lessons came from this binge. One, I decided to, which means I am increasingly able to identify my addictive voice urging me to eat. That also means I will be more capable of not identifying with it, observing it, and discontinuing the behavior. Two, I again was able to stay guilt/shame free, which became significant the following morning.

Usually, the morning following a binge, my reaction is to avoid food, compensate for the night before. However, this time, I was planning to let my boys have fruit loops which I had just bought. They get to have sugary cereal once a week, and this was the day. Thinking about the box gave me anxiety. My addictive voice was telling me, "Hey, look at that yummy cereal.." And, I was afraid I'd end up binging on it. I'm also feeling I can't eat that after what I ate last night (don't deserve it). All of this is happening just under the radar, meaning this roller coaster of emotions is going on with me being half conscious of it because I'm also busy with the kids at the moment and doing some morning chores. I learned it's important to stop whatever you're doing and deal with those voices and the anxiety.

When I did, I realized I was being reactive, impulsively fearing the food and my loss of control over it. So I had to ask my self two questions:
1. Did I want to eat some?  And, if so, could I eat it without losing control?
2. Do I want to avoid processed, sugary foods altogether because of their addictive nature?

I think it's important to set the paradigm for how you want to approach your choice of foods/diet. I have now established that I follow a mostly paleo diet of vegetables, protein, and fruit, along with small servings of grains (minus wheat in order to avoid gluten). But, I am not going to be strict and cut out everything else at all times. That means, I will treat myself to a favorite dessert in moderation or a spaghetti meal once in a while.

So, when I established those parameters, I answered my question of whether I wanted some. Well, the next question is, am I dieting and need to avoid fruit loops until I lose weight since I don't deserve any treats until I do? No. I don't believe in diets, only in choosing a healthy lifestyle which is permanent. So, any weight loss will have to come slowly and with a healthy diet that I've chosen that includes treats.

Therefore, since I don't have guilt about binging the night before and I'm not dieting, then the question of whether I deserve the cereal is irrelevant. Then the question now becomes do I want it? The answer was yes. So, I ate a few.. probably a quarter cup and then stopped. I drank some coffee and had a proper breakfast later. In the next post I will write about what happens when I do eat a yummy snack and can't stop. Does it lead to binge eating? And are we/am I less able to defend the addictive voice once I start on a yummy snack?

Happy Monday!