I very recently joined a Facebook page, Quit Binge Eating and entered into a small community of people who also face the same challenges.  It's definitely a new experience, sharing such a private struggle so publicly (limited, but public nonetheless). Slightly anxiety provoking. Even though I know I (and most of us) acquired  food addiction as a coping mechanism in my childhood, my first reaction now is still to feel shame and guilt. Then, I have to remind myself to breathe and allow awareness to fill me. The judgement dissipates.

Why are the guilt and shame so big? Why do they get to be central stage? The reasons could fill many pages and most of us share those same fears, but ultimately whatever is causing the guilt and shame can lead to another binge eating episode. Without getting into what causes my feelings of guilt and shame, I'd like to share what I do to let go of those feelings and get behind them in order to discover what's fueling them. Before I knew how to do this I would get swept up in the tidal wave of guilt, tossed about by shame and numb myself in another round of food, vowing in the back of my mind somewhere I'd find the "strength" to stop later. Then wake up the next morning disgusted and discouraged .

Several years ago my therapist introduced me to my superego, and suggested a book called, Soul Without Shame, by Byron Brown. In it he describes the superego which we all develop during childhood:

"One of the original functions of the judge was to act as your conscience. The judge learned standards of right and wrong from parents and society. Then, by using guilt and shame, it helped you as a child to behave and act appropriately according to that moral code. You needed the judge's firm support and direction as you developed your own ability to perceive, evaluate and understand. As an adult, you've continued to rely on the judge's internalized standards of right and wrong."

But at this point the judge has limited your life to a courtroom, one that is headed by a judge that is harsh, cruel, critical and inflexible. So, when you binge, rather than being able to understand the reality of what may be causing this, your judge pipes in and fills the space, saying horribly cruel things. That you are a gluttonous, unworthy soul who can't get a hold of yourself and that you lack any kind of dignity or self control. You believe it and believe somehow that it is helping you by showing you how irresponsible you are being, and to avoid its horrible tongue lashing, you dive into the ice cream again to block it out. The next day, you swear you've got to stop this. You must stop it.  You're wasting your money and your life on this terrible secret act and the shame is overwhelming. You may run off to work and bury yourself in that until stress after work sends you right back into the pantry. So, ultimately, you never are able to do any real inner work of unlocking what is really happening inside. Becoming aware of my superego has freed my true self to increasingly take the main stage in my life.

In the case of binge eating, my therapist never told me to stop. She said to just be present for it. Don't numb out. Actually taste the food, feel the texture, smell it, sense my stomach, and note the feelings that arise or any memories that come. This process will lead you perhaps to why you are eating to numb. Now, when the superego begins to criticize, be aware that it is criticizing. Say to yourself, "that's the superego again." Just mentally note that it is saying these things, but it is not reality. You are obviously not a loser nor are you unworthy. When the criticisms and judgments begin to get to you, tell it to "take a hike" or use harsher words. I use an expletive and tell it to go back into its room and that it has no place here. I know that might be uncomfortable to you if this is new, but try it. What do you have to lose? You stand to gain your true self.

I hope this can begin a journey for you. For most people, and for me, it is a life long journey to continually gain a deeper understanding of the superego and all the ways it manifests in our lives.

I wasn't really sure what to write tonight, only that I almost didn't. Only a full second day and already I felt the urge to chicken out, partly because it's cold in our lower level and getting up after snuggling with the kids and heading there toward my laptop is hard to do. That's why I often make a beeline for the fridge, in order to avoid it (sometimes I have work to do or to brush my teeth) for that moment, only to be caught up in a binge episode. Tonight, I did it again, headed for the fridge and the left over dim sum. As I ate a cut up shuimai, I thought it tasted surprisingly good for being cold. And, the thought that I should not be doing this was there. I ate about 1.5 shumai, then ate a few bites of a fried shrimp, and then finally two bites of an onion pancake. I covered up the tupperware and slid it back in the fridge. I told myself, "Not bad". I'd rather not have done that at all, but if that's all I ate, then that's pretty darn good. I then went off to brush my teeth and clean up. When that was done I still had not made a decision about blogging but then knew that I could not cop out. It's important for me to make this a part of my routine, even if no one was reading. It's why I took the time to set this up, to create an accountability for me. Perhaps just one person could be helped - very cliche, but surprisingly effective :) So, here I am, telling you about the details of my inner battle. Not very interesting except to those who share those same urges to binge. The truth is you can make a different decision, even after you begin a binge, to cut it short. One of the reasons it's been so challenging for me to quit binge eating is my perfectionistic, black/white perspective. If I've already eaten a quarter gallon of ice cream, heck, just eat another quarter gallon and the four slices of pizza left in the fridge because I've already failed so let's just make it good.  "Don't be a half-assed failure!" Stopping at any point in a binge before you normally do means you're allowing yourself to be aware and present which gives you a much better chance of making a healthier decision.

I listened to a new podcast this morning and it's called, "Quit Binge Eating" with Alen Standish. Check it out. I'll be writing you tomorrow night, but you can see me earlier at Twitter under the same name where I'll tweet throughout the day. Thanks!

As I was laying there next to my youngest who had fallen asleep, I thought of my date here, with my blog. Inevitably, food images flashed in my mind, offering up itself as this other choice. The body and mind are both so powerful, working together, tempting me even though my conscious mind knows this is not a viable solution. The body works against your mind because it actually has a second brain called the Enteric Nervous System, which is a nervous system that runs from your esophagus down to your intestines. It is autonomous and releases feel good hormones (normally released in the main brain) when you eat fat! Read about it here:

http://familyfirst.com/where-is-your-second-brain.html

Understanding the science somewhat helps me understand my body and re-connect to it. I think we binge eaters want to ignore our bodies and attempt to keep it separate from our brains where we like to reside. When I'm separated from my body I'm not tuned into whether the food I'm eating is making me feel nauseous, sick or even full. I'm just numbing and hiding. When I'm aware with my whole body, I feel a relaxation come on but I'm also a bit nervous. I'm not used to being there and lately (these past few days) I came upon a new realization. I am afraid of my body. I'm afraid of what it might want to tell me: that I'm making myself sick in the long run, that I'm gaining weight, and ultimately that it is fragile and will one day cease to exist. There's a whole spiritual side apart from the physical and psychological aspects of binge eating for me. I wonder if this is the case with you.

I will often provide websites here that you can copy and paste onto your search engines. I apologize that I am not blog/web savvy and don't know yet how to provide actual hyperlinks. Hopefully I will at some point. See you on Twitter where I'm often tweeting during the day with thoughts and self encouragment that hopefully will help you too. I started this blog out of a very strong need to provide encouragement to myself, especially those weak moments when I want to go to food, but instead I will try to come here to break myself from this damaging cycle. Thanks!

I think of the countless days that started great, productive and I ate well. But as dinner comes and goes, and I approach putting the kids to bed, my optimism wanes and the weariness sets in. After spending some snuggle time with them, I come downstairs, presumably to brush my teeth and put on my PJs only to make a beeline for the pantry, grab a bag of crackers and sit before my laptop in the breakfast room. There, I blank out by reading news and celebrity gossip as I munch like a zombie on rice crackers, one after another. After perhaps ten, I get up to look in the fridge. Hmmm... leftover noodles with dumplings... Oh, there's some chocolate covered cranberries in the bag up there on the top shelf. This continues until I look up and it's past midnight and I need to get some shuteye because I have to wake up early to feed the kids and get them to school. Why does this happen? And for me it's been too frequent lately. Twice this week so far and only once last week, but three the week before. I had tried a website (http://www.shrinkyourself.com/) which some of you can benefit from, but a year later I find that I'm again using food as an escape from everything: anxiety, weariness, frustration, boredom, middle age, and things-I-can't-control. Tonight I will leave you with an inspiration and it's a great one to read again if you had already heard about it.

http://shine.yahoo.com/shine-food/how-one-family-broke-its-junk-food-addiction-2530910.html

I will be blogging here tomorrow night (it's now 3am for me! Good thing it's Saturday tomorrow!).

So, this is new for me. My first post, and depending on how things go, perhaps the first of many. I've been struggling with binge eating for nineteen, going on 20 years. Every time I do it, I can already hear myself saying I'll quit tomorrow. But, tomorrow has come and gone too many times. I hope by blogging often, and tweeting, it will create a community who can encourage one another to find ways to avoid even one binge session - especially at night.