I very recently joined a Facebook page, Quit Binge Eating and entered into a small community of people who also face the same challenges.  It's definitely a new experience, sharing such a private struggle so publicly (limited, but public nonetheless). Slightly anxiety provoking. Even though I know I (and most of us) acquired  food addiction as a coping mechanism in my childhood, my first reaction now is still to feel shame and guilt. Then, I have to remind myself to breathe and allow awareness to fill me. The judgement dissipates.

Why are the guilt and shame so big? Why do they get to be central stage? The reasons could fill many pages and most of us share those same fears, but ultimately whatever is causing the guilt and shame can lead to another binge eating episode. Without getting into what causes my feelings of guilt and shame, I'd like to share what I do to let go of those feelings and get behind them in order to discover what's fueling them. Before I knew how to do this I would get swept up in the tidal wave of guilt, tossed about by shame and numb myself in another round of food, vowing in the back of my mind somewhere I'd find the "strength" to stop later. Then wake up the next morning disgusted and discouraged .

Several years ago my therapist introduced me to my superego, and suggested a book called, Soul Without Shame, by Byron Brown. In it he describes the superego which we all develop during childhood:

"One of the original functions of the judge was to act as your conscience. The judge learned standards of right and wrong from parents and society. Then, by using guilt and shame, it helped you as a child to behave and act appropriately according to that moral code. You needed the judge's firm support and direction as you developed your own ability to perceive, evaluate and understand. As an adult, you've continued to rely on the judge's internalized standards of right and wrong."

But at this point the judge has limited your life to a courtroom, one that is headed by a judge that is harsh, cruel, critical and inflexible. So, when you binge, rather than being able to understand the reality of what may be causing this, your judge pipes in and fills the space, saying horribly cruel things. That you are a gluttonous, unworthy soul who can't get a hold of yourself and that you lack any kind of dignity or self control. You believe it and believe somehow that it is helping you by showing you how irresponsible you are being, and to avoid its horrible tongue lashing, you dive into the ice cream again to block it out. The next day, you swear you've got to stop this. You must stop it.  You're wasting your money and your life on this terrible secret act and the shame is overwhelming. You may run off to work and bury yourself in that until stress after work sends you right back into the pantry. So, ultimately, you never are able to do any real inner work of unlocking what is really happening inside. Becoming aware of my superego has freed my true self to increasingly take the main stage in my life.

In the case of binge eating, my therapist never told me to stop. She said to just be present for it. Don't numb out. Actually taste the food, feel the texture, smell it, sense my stomach, and note the feelings that arise or any memories that come. This process will lead you perhaps to why you are eating to numb. Now, when the superego begins to criticize, be aware that it is criticizing. Say to yourself, "that's the superego again." Just mentally note that it is saying these things, but it is not reality. You are obviously not a loser nor are you unworthy. When the criticisms and judgments begin to get to you, tell it to "take a hike" or use harsher words. I use an expletive and tell it to go back into its room and that it has no place here. I know that might be uncomfortable to you if this is new, but try it. What do you have to lose? You stand to gain your true self.

I hope this can begin a journey for you. For most people, and for me, it is a life long journey to continually gain a deeper understanding of the superego and all the ways it manifests in our lives.