I did not get to blog on Wednesday, but I'm happy to say that I feel very proud of my half marathon which I ran Saturday. Not only did I finish strong, no runner passed me in the last two miles (except for the elite marathoners who came thundering by). I met my time goal and finished feeling like a snapshot out of the Chariots of Fire.
As for how I ate this past week, well, there were two binge episodes. It was interesting. I'm currently reading Brain Over Binge (half way into the book) and am experimenting with its methods and theories. One that Kathryn Hansen proposes is that her binge eating really had nothing to do with underlying emotional issues. I have been struggling with that one, because what I've observed in my self during these two episodes is that it always followed a stressful event. I was emotionally upset from conflicts with loved ones. My first thought was to go eat, but it was in a flash of anger. So, later, pondering what had happened and whether Hansen's theory is really true, my initial reaction was to disagree with her. However, upon closer inspection, I believe the answer is two-folded.
Here's how. Although it seems my emotional upset drove me to eat, I can also tell you I've had small binges these past two weeks when nothing was wrong. So, she's right in that the AV (addictive voice) is driving these binges. However, because this last binge was more severe, involving more food, I had to take a closer look at whether emotion really did play more of a role, as traditional therapy would suggest. I'd have to say yes. I believe emotion was the primary driving force behind this last binge episode.
Because I am more tuned in and aware of my mental state these days, I can recount the thoughts that led up to the binge episode. I had mentioned I ate in a flash of anger. I had wanted to eat to somehow lash back at the people I was in conflict with. Although it's nonsensical, I believe many of us who binge eat do this to either gain control or to punish those we love. In any case, this is where therapy is helpful, for example, cognitive behavioral therapy which I quote below from the National Association of Cognitive-behavioral therapists.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to feel / act better even if the situation does not change.
With therapy, a person can recognize that there will always be conflict, but that by changing our outlook on it, we can change our response to it, i.e. binge eating. For me, this means when I get upset with someone close to me, that I stay present, have perspective, and understand there is a solution to the problem, even if takes some time. Having said this, I believe Hansen's technique is also extremely useful, because I believe the AV is also active at that moment and again, being present is key to stopping the addictive/unhealthy behavior.
My last thought to share is that notice I stayed guilt-free throughout these experiences. That is key. Once guilt and shame take over (it's ok if there is some guilt and you are keeping them in check), then objective observations about yourself can not be revealed. It is through self-love that I/you can heal.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
I'm into my third week of 45 weeks left in the year, committed to my new goals. So, the good news is I'm getting up at 5am to run several days a week, and I am being better about writing in my food chart, pausing, and slowing down so I can enjoy and observe while I eat my meals.
I'm also happy to say that the bad news is actually good. I had a small binge on Friday night: ate too many nuts, half bag of rice crackers(3 cups?), 2 eggs, and some chocolate covered almonds (10). I was aware I was doing this and never fell fully into a trance, so my conclusion was that I wanted to. I wasn't lonely or stressed, but wanted the pleasure of eating. So, I knew it was the addiction to food/processed food.
Several important lessons came from this binge. One, I decided to, which means I am increasingly able to identify my addictive voice urging me to eat. That also means I will be more capable of not identifying with it, observing it, and discontinuing the behavior. Two, I again was able to stay guilt/shame free, which became significant the following morning.
Usually, the morning following a binge, my reaction is to avoid food, compensate for the night before. However, this time, I was planning to let my boys have fruit loops which I had just bought. They get to have sugary cereal once a week, and this was the day. Thinking about the box gave me anxiety. My addictive voice was telling me, "Hey, look at that yummy cereal.." And, I was afraid I'd end up binging on it. I'm also feeling I can't eat that after what I ate last night (don't deserve it). All of this is happening just under the radar, meaning this roller coaster of emotions is going on with me being half conscious of it because I'm also busy with the kids at the moment and doing some morning chores. I learned it's important to stop whatever you're doing and deal with those voices and the anxiety.
When I did, I realized I was being reactive, impulsively fearing the food and my loss of control over it. So I had to ask my self two questions:
1. Did I want to eat some? And, if so, could I eat it without losing control?
2. Do I want to avoid processed, sugary foods altogether because of their addictive nature?
I think it's important to set the paradigm for how you want to approach your choice of foods/diet. I have now established that I follow a mostly paleo diet of vegetables, protein, and fruit, along with small servings of grains (minus wheat in order to avoid gluten). But, I am not going to be strict and cut out everything else at all times. That means, I will treat myself to a favorite dessert in moderation or a spaghetti meal once in a while.
So, when I established those parameters, I answered my question of whether I wanted some. Well, the next question is, am I dieting and need to avoid fruit loops until I lose weight since I don't deserve any treats until I do? No. I don't believe in diets, only in choosing a healthy lifestyle which is permanent. So, any weight loss will have to come slowly and with a healthy diet that I've chosen that includes treats.
Therefore, since I don't have guilt about binging the night before and I'm not dieting, then the question of whether I deserve the cereal is irrelevant. Then the question now becomes do I want it? The answer was yes. So, I ate a few.. probably a quarter cup and then stopped. I drank some coffee and had a proper breakfast later. In the next post I will write about what happens when I do eat a yummy snack and can't stop. Does it lead to binge eating? And are we/am I less able to defend the addictive voice once I start on a yummy snack?
Happy Monday!
I'm also happy to say that the bad news is actually good. I had a small binge on Friday night: ate too many nuts, half bag of rice crackers(3 cups?), 2 eggs, and some chocolate covered almonds (10). I was aware I was doing this and never fell fully into a trance, so my conclusion was that I wanted to. I wasn't lonely or stressed, but wanted the pleasure of eating. So, I knew it was the addiction to food/processed food.
Several important lessons came from this binge. One, I decided to, which means I am increasingly able to identify my addictive voice urging me to eat. That also means I will be more capable of not identifying with it, observing it, and discontinuing the behavior. Two, I again was able to stay guilt/shame free, which became significant the following morning.
Usually, the morning following a binge, my reaction is to avoid food, compensate for the night before. However, this time, I was planning to let my boys have fruit loops which I had just bought. They get to have sugary cereal once a week, and this was the day. Thinking about the box gave me anxiety. My addictive voice was telling me, "Hey, look at that yummy cereal.." And, I was afraid I'd end up binging on it. I'm also feeling I can't eat that after what I ate last night (don't deserve it). All of this is happening just under the radar, meaning this roller coaster of emotions is going on with me being half conscious of it because I'm also busy with the kids at the moment and doing some morning chores. I learned it's important to stop whatever you're doing and deal with those voices and the anxiety.
When I did, I realized I was being reactive, impulsively fearing the food and my loss of control over it. So I had to ask my self two questions:
1. Did I want to eat some? And, if so, could I eat it without losing control?
2. Do I want to avoid processed, sugary foods altogether because of their addictive nature?
I think it's important to set the paradigm for how you want to approach your choice of foods/diet. I have now established that I follow a mostly paleo diet of vegetables, protein, and fruit, along with small servings of grains (minus wheat in order to avoid gluten). But, I am not going to be strict and cut out everything else at all times. That means, I will treat myself to a favorite dessert in moderation or a spaghetti meal once in a while.
So, when I established those parameters, I answered my question of whether I wanted some. Well, the next question is, am I dieting and need to avoid fruit loops until I lose weight since I don't deserve any treats until I do? No. I don't believe in diets, only in choosing a healthy lifestyle which is permanent. So, any weight loss will have to come slowly and with a healthy diet that I've chosen that includes treats.
Therefore, since I don't have guilt about binging the night before and I'm not dieting, then the question of whether I deserve the cereal is irrelevant. Then the question now becomes do I want it? The answer was yes. So, I ate a few.. probably a quarter cup and then stopped. I drank some coffee and had a proper breakfast later. In the next post I will write about what happens when I do eat a yummy snack and can't stop. Does it lead to binge eating? And are we/am I less able to defend the addictive voice once I start on a yummy snack?
Happy Monday!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Well, two whole weeks - that's 14 days. And, no binge episode. That is pretty darn good, the best streak in months. I'm cautiously optimistic, but relaxed as I think this which is a good sign. Usually when I have been optimistic about recovery, it has always felt hollow, and beset with anxiety.
I've recorded my eating, but not all meals. I have also for 90 percent of my meals or snacks, stopped before I eat, sometimes ten minutes even. I'll also stop several times during the meal. And, I make sure I have plenty of time to eat, because I actually like taking a good hour. This takes me back to my childhood when I was usually the last at the table. It was nice rediscovering that memory, and bringing back a healthy habit to the present. I ran 3 days in the past seven days, not my goal of 4 days, but one of them was a 9-mile run which I had aimed to achieve. I also, for the most part, kept my new habit of not re-entering the kitchen after putting the kids to bed.
Finally, one key ingredient in my recovery is keeping up my connections with family and with a group of binge eaters who are also working on discovery and recovery. I continue to tweet my meals and email the snapshots to my sister and husband. I also blog and communicate my ups and downs which helps normalize the process, ease any anxiety, strengthen my commitment, and plug in to my accountability. I understand I need the support and interaction in order to stay excited about recovery.
If you're wondering about my meals, I eat a lot of vegetables (big variety/I shop at an Asian grocery along with Costco, Trader Joe's, and another major grocery chain), eggs, tofu, fish, and poultry. I regularly eat quinoa, millet, buckwheat groats, Thai or Indian brown rice, and some white rice. There's very little wheat in my diet. I also regularly eat nuts and seeds (pumpkin seeds, almonds, walnuts, pecan, pistacchio). I do treat myself to some dessert here and there, but mostly fruit. I don't actually cut anything out. I had some chocolates last night, but never lost control. I ate bread from a bakery this morning, but was able to just eat a third. So, I don't plan on cutting out any major food group because I enjoy food, but I am limiting my intake of processed foods, sugar, white flour, and wheat. Is it because they are my trigger foods? Yes. But mostly because they don't make me feel good. I'm reading Brain Over Binge which I blogged about in the last post, and Kathryn Hansen stated she did not want recovery that involved cutting out whole groups of food. I don't either. I think that will make my triggers even bigger targets. I want to get to a point where I look at those "trigger" foods and they don't trigger. That I can have a few and put them away. For the first time that I can actually remember, I believe this will happen for me
I've recorded my eating, but not all meals. I have also for 90 percent of my meals or snacks, stopped before I eat, sometimes ten minutes even. I'll also stop several times during the meal. And, I make sure I have plenty of time to eat, because I actually like taking a good hour. This takes me back to my childhood when I was usually the last at the table. It was nice rediscovering that memory, and bringing back a healthy habit to the present. I ran 3 days in the past seven days, not my goal of 4 days, but one of them was a 9-mile run which I had aimed to achieve. I also, for the most part, kept my new habit of not re-entering the kitchen after putting the kids to bed.
Finally, one key ingredient in my recovery is keeping up my connections with family and with a group of binge eaters who are also working on discovery and recovery. I continue to tweet my meals and email the snapshots to my sister and husband. I also blog and communicate my ups and downs which helps normalize the process, ease any anxiety, strengthen my commitment, and plug in to my accountability. I understand I need the support and interaction in order to stay excited about recovery.
If you're wondering about my meals, I eat a lot of vegetables (big variety/I shop at an Asian grocery along with Costco, Trader Joe's, and another major grocery chain), eggs, tofu, fish, and poultry. I regularly eat quinoa, millet, buckwheat groats, Thai or Indian brown rice, and some white rice. There's very little wheat in my diet. I also regularly eat nuts and seeds (pumpkin seeds, almonds, walnuts, pecan, pistacchio). I do treat myself to some dessert here and there, but mostly fruit. I don't actually cut anything out. I had some chocolates last night, but never lost control. I ate bread from a bakery this morning, but was able to just eat a third. So, I don't plan on cutting out any major food group because I enjoy food, but I am limiting my intake of processed foods, sugar, white flour, and wheat. Is it because they are my trigger foods? Yes. But mostly because they don't make me feel good. I'm reading Brain Over Binge which I blogged about in the last post, and Kathryn Hansen stated she did not want recovery that involved cutting out whole groups of food. I don't either. I think that will make my triggers even bigger targets. I want to get to a point where I look at those "trigger" foods and they don't trigger. That I can have a few and put them away. For the first time that I can actually remember, I believe this will happen for me
Monday, February 18, 2013
Hi Everyone, or one person :)
Hope you've had a good few days since my last post. I'm happy to say I remain binge free 12 days after I committed to my goal of journaling my meals and just committing to do the work. I'll blog Wednesday and report the details of my week and which goals I was able to meet.
I want to keep it short today since I always seem to go on a bit too long. And, I'm tired and am trying to keep my commitment of getting proper shut-eye. I wanted to talk a bit about an interview I heard on the Quit Binge Eating podcast hosted by Alen Standish. He spoke with Kathryn Hansen, the author of Brain Over Binge. The interview was powerful in that Kathryn offered an actual method to stop binge eating. Her premise is that binge eating is a bad habit that we can retrain our brains to stop wanting. For her, the act of binge eating was not curable with traditional therapy that addressed the personality. This really resounded with me since I had been reading literature revealing food's powerful effect on the brain, inducing the organ to release all sorts of pleasure hormones. And, modern processed foods with the magical "right" combination of salt, sugar, and fat, we've become even more hooked on food.
Since listening to the interview with Ms. Hansen, I've bought the book and it's an absorbing read so far. She is courageously honest about her struggle with binge eating and bulimia. I am looking forward to delving further. Already a few of her methods, revealed in her interview, have stuck in my mind. She said whenever she had urges, she would identify it as the addictive voice and then completely disregard it, giving it no attention, labeling it as brain junk. For two days I've tried this, and you know.. it's working. It's still early, so we'll see.
My last thought is again something Ms. Hansen said. It struck me because I've had to confront this question in recent years as I struggled with my binge eating. She said you must first ask yourself if you really want to quit, because if you don't, then this will not work. I've had to ask myself that after listening to the interview and I believe after nearly 20 years of binge eating, and the inner work I've done this past year, that yes, I'm finally ready. I know that for a time, even though I despised this habit, I savored the total release of binging. That numbed trance we all know and the satisfying feeling of eating. However, now with self compassion and the guilt and shame removed, I can clearly examine whether I need this. The answer is that the cost is too great. The cost to my health, to my kids (because when I binge, I'm an awful mother - impatient and angry), to my marriage, to my joy, to my life. So, I'm ready to be free in a healthy, real way that has no cost. So, I guess I'm posing that question to you.
Hope you've had a good few days since my last post. I'm happy to say I remain binge free 12 days after I committed to my goal of journaling my meals and just committing to do the work. I'll blog Wednesday and report the details of my week and which goals I was able to meet.
I want to keep it short today since I always seem to go on a bit too long. And, I'm tired and am trying to keep my commitment of getting proper shut-eye. I wanted to talk a bit about an interview I heard on the Quit Binge Eating podcast hosted by Alen Standish. He spoke with Kathryn Hansen, the author of Brain Over Binge. The interview was powerful in that Kathryn offered an actual method to stop binge eating. Her premise is that binge eating is a bad habit that we can retrain our brains to stop wanting. For her, the act of binge eating was not curable with traditional therapy that addressed the personality. This really resounded with me since I had been reading literature revealing food's powerful effect on the brain, inducing the organ to release all sorts of pleasure hormones. And, modern processed foods with the magical "right" combination of salt, sugar, and fat, we've become even more hooked on food.
Since listening to the interview with Ms. Hansen, I've bought the book and it's an absorbing read so far. She is courageously honest about her struggle with binge eating and bulimia. I am looking forward to delving further. Already a few of her methods, revealed in her interview, have stuck in my mind. She said whenever she had urges, she would identify it as the addictive voice and then completely disregard it, giving it no attention, labeling it as brain junk. For two days I've tried this, and you know.. it's working. It's still early, so we'll see.
My last thought is again something Ms. Hansen said. It struck me because I've had to confront this question in recent years as I struggled with my binge eating. She said you must first ask yourself if you really want to quit, because if you don't, then this will not work. I've had to ask myself that after listening to the interview and I believe after nearly 20 years of binge eating, and the inner work I've done this past year, that yes, I'm finally ready. I know that for a time, even though I despised this habit, I savored the total release of binging. That numbed trance we all know and the satisfying feeling of eating. However, now with self compassion and the guilt and shame removed, I can clearly examine whether I need this. The answer is that the cost is too great. The cost to my health, to my kids (because when I binge, I'm an awful mother - impatient and angry), to my marriage, to my joy, to my life. So, I'm ready to be free in a healthy, real way that has no cost. So, I guess I'm posing that question to you.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Okay, technically it's Thursday, one hour past the deadline I had imposed on myself to post my week's results, but I did get up at 4 A.M. the day before to run 4 miles. So, I think I have a good excuse for falling asleep with one of my boys and stumbling out of bed just now.
My first week of meeting my 2013 goals went well. I give myself an A for effort. My main aim was to record what I ate, how I felt, and my hunger level for every meal and snack. Most importantly, whether I waited several minutes before eating, even when my hunger felt acute. And, for the most part I did do that. Because I did that, I was able on probably five occasions to put dessert back in the fridge. This pause really made me calm down before eating to switch on my consciousness while I eat so that it stops becoming an animalistic action of reactively eating the food, attacking it.
I also learned about myself, that I am somewhat addicted to sugar. Watching my reaction as I sat before various foods this week, the pull from sweet foods was twice as strong as any other food item. My mouth would begin watering and the discomfort at times felt acute. I could tell my dopamine was really firing away in response to the visual cues of dessert or even my kids' gummy vitamins. It made me realize I needed to curb my sugar intake.
In general, this commitment to pause before I ate, created a presence during meals and snacks so that I did not over eat (except for yesterday's dinner) and was able to decide ahead of time what and how much to eat (for example, sitting down to a meal with a friend). But, I did notice toward the end of the week (I'm on a Thursday - Wednesday schedule), my commitment was not as strong. I felt vulnerable to food's pull. So, last night I ended up eating the biggest meal of the week. In fact, my stomach is not feeling great now. As I was cleaning up after dinner, thoughts of food in the fridge began emerging, tempting me. And, I felt that familiar fear. Seems silly, right? Unless you are a binge eater or have an eating disorder. It's the fear of binging, of losing to the food and of the the self-judge coming down on me. So, for the first time, I turned the tables. I said to my self-judge, "So what if I binge?? I can eat the whole fridge if I want and I'd still be a good person. You don't get to judge me! You don't get to berate me!" And, the burden lifted quite a bit. I removed the guilt which then seemed to lift the fear. I went off to brush my teeth and head upstairs.
As for running/exercise, yay, I ran 4 days which was my goal. One of the runs was 8 miles! I have a March half marathon approaching, so I'm in training. Saturday will be a long run as well, hopefully. Stay tuned for that. I also met my goal of brushing my teeth every night before taking the kids up to bed and not coming back down to the kitchen. I was better at general body awareness (throughout the day) and being present earlier in the week, so I need to refocus on that. But, I did pretty much Tweet all I ate which is a great tool. It really does break the chain. And, when I felt the urge, tweeing it also seemed to help. It's like releasing a pressure valve. Finally, I did not make the time to meditate and stretch in the morning and evenings. So, that's another one I'll have to work on next week. I did manage to blog here Sunday and now, so thanks all! Onward!
My first week of meeting my 2013 goals went well. I give myself an A for effort. My main aim was to record what I ate, how I felt, and my hunger level for every meal and snack. Most importantly, whether I waited several minutes before eating, even when my hunger felt acute. And, for the most part I did do that. Because I did that, I was able on probably five occasions to put dessert back in the fridge. This pause really made me calm down before eating to switch on my consciousness while I eat so that it stops becoming an animalistic action of reactively eating the food, attacking it.
I also learned about myself, that I am somewhat addicted to sugar. Watching my reaction as I sat before various foods this week, the pull from sweet foods was twice as strong as any other food item. My mouth would begin watering and the discomfort at times felt acute. I could tell my dopamine was really firing away in response to the visual cues of dessert or even my kids' gummy vitamins. It made me realize I needed to curb my sugar intake.
In general, this commitment to pause before I ate, created a presence during meals and snacks so that I did not over eat (except for yesterday's dinner) and was able to decide ahead of time what and how much to eat (for example, sitting down to a meal with a friend). But, I did notice toward the end of the week (I'm on a Thursday - Wednesday schedule), my commitment was not as strong. I felt vulnerable to food's pull. So, last night I ended up eating the biggest meal of the week. In fact, my stomach is not feeling great now. As I was cleaning up after dinner, thoughts of food in the fridge began emerging, tempting me. And, I felt that familiar fear. Seems silly, right? Unless you are a binge eater or have an eating disorder. It's the fear of binging, of losing to the food and of the the self-judge coming down on me. So, for the first time, I turned the tables. I said to my self-judge, "So what if I binge?? I can eat the whole fridge if I want and I'd still be a good person. You don't get to judge me! You don't get to berate me!" And, the burden lifted quite a bit. I removed the guilt which then seemed to lift the fear. I went off to brush my teeth and head upstairs.
As for running/exercise, yay, I ran 4 days which was my goal. One of the runs was 8 miles! I have a March half marathon approaching, so I'm in training. Saturday will be a long run as well, hopefully. Stay tuned for that. I also met my goal of brushing my teeth every night before taking the kids up to bed and not coming back down to the kitchen. I was better at general body awareness (throughout the day) and being present earlier in the week, so I need to refocus on that. But, I did pretty much Tweet all I ate which is a great tool. It really does break the chain. And, when I felt the urge, tweeing it also seemed to help. It's like releasing a pressure valve. Finally, I did not make the time to meditate and stretch in the morning and evenings. So, that's another one I'll have to work on next week. I did manage to blog here Sunday and now, so thanks all! Onward!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
So, four days into my goals for the year and here is what I set up:
-Blog every Wed/Sun to review my progress
-Keep a weekly food journal which I draw on the back of a 2013 Goal list (which means I'll have 45 pages by year end)
*This food journal is KEY to my recovery which I am committed to achieving this year and which I have Alen Standish over at Quit Binge Eating.com to thank. I note the day/time/food/hunger level for every meal and snack. I keep it with me wherever I go (in my purse when I'm out and in the kitchen when I get home). It serves as a reminder for me to STOP for two minutes before I eat anything. I stare at the food, assess my hunger level, my feelings about the food, my mood in general and just wait. I note on the page whether I did this. I also Twitter pictures of every snack and meal. So, many minutes go by before I even take a bite, but this is ESSENTIAL.
-Exercise/Run 4 days a week
-Eat a Paleo inspired diet: very little to no wheat. Protein, lots of vegetables and seeds (such as quinoa, millet, rice). Very little processed foods. I MAKE TIME TO COOK. It actually doesn't take too long. I post all my food on Twitter if you'd like to follow (freefrombinge).
-meditate/breathe once a day at least (and often at various moments during the day, just being tuned into my body so that I can be present).
-BRUSH MY TEETH BEFORE I TAKE THE KIDS UP TO BED. This is also Key for me since I am a night binger. I brush, go up, and DO NOT come back down.
-I set 6 alarms from 6:20 on until 10:30 when it's time for bed. The first alarm is to remind me to go brush my teeth NOW. The second at 6:45 is telling me if I haven't, then BRUSH NOW NO MATTER WHAT. Brush my teeth, wash my face, change out of my day clothes. All acts of taking care of myself which is very important in recovery from binge eating which is an act of not taking care of one-self. The next alarm is 8:30 to leave my kids rooms to go meditate and read and blog. Do things for myself. And, must sleep on time!
-STOP JUDGEMENT OF SELF when I binge and when I don't meet these goals here and there. Very important to have compassion for myself if I want to stop this addiction. Judgement stops ALL inner work.
-refrain from over-scheduling or committing to any new volunteer/work goals this year. This year is dedicated to my recovery.
Ok. So, how did I do these past four days? Great!
Week 1(out of 45 remaining weeks in 2013):
-I did not binge at all
-I actually put away cake and ice cream that I had portioned out to eat. I sat, stared at it, sipped coffee or hot water. Talked with my husband. Then stared some more and assessed how I felt. When the anxiety had passed (because remember, FEEL THE DISCOMFORT, DON'T DODGE IT. IT WON'T KILL YOU. WALK THROUGH IT), the craving went away and I was free. Still a bit uneasy at times, but mostly free. So, I was able to put it back!
-Faced pizza, cake at a party. Felt discomfort. The food was talking to me. But, I told myself that I am expansive, with the capacity to overcome and be bigger than all these feelings. So, did not eat any. Plus made sure I ate a healthy meal before (green smoothie, egg white, kale and tomatoes stir fried, 1 slice canadian bacon).
-Faced chinese new year goodies!!! Candy and sweets everywhere today! I ate some, but was able to stop by using the same techniques. I have to tell you guys. It was not easy. The pull of the food was so strong, and I was so anxious. But, I still portioned out and the key here is I tweeted the picture and emailed it to my sister. I do it every time. It really breaks the chain. I am able to feel more in control. I have even several times, including today, made food, assessed and realized I wasn't that hungry 3-4/10, and walked away to clean the house, then come back over an hour later to eat.
-Ran twice (so, 2 more times before Wednesday) and one of those was an 8 miler. I'm preparing for a half marathon in March. Yay!
-brushed my teeth before taking up the kids every day (alarm helps!)
-meditated/breathing exercises/body awareness moments throughout the day
-Kept my food journal/always tweeted my food and portioned and arranged for an aesthetic appeal (even a snack of nuts is placed in a crystal cup and captured on camera!)
I wanted to talk about one more thing..
I am one of those binge eaters who's not overweight. I am of average weight. Because of that, I have FOOLED myself for 20 years into believing I can beat this, no problem, without doing enough work. Every time I binged, I'd feel shame, guilt, block it out by eating or exercising and promise myself not to do it for a while. I kept believing the lie because I did not look like I had a problem. So, sometimes I'd actually be incredulous that I had this problem and couldn't understand why I didn't just stop it. If I did stop for a couple weeks, I'd think I had it beat and then I'd binge again. I was so miserable and hated myself. The self hate came from feeling weak and out of control, self judgement. I was a perfectionist and still tend to be. Plus, for ten of those years I was a television reporter in major US cities which was an added burden since I had to keep up appearances and after a night of binging, sometimes I just wanted to crawl under my bed. Add this to the high-stress nature of the job and my poor coping skills (which most of our parents were not good at modeling), binging became my comfort and pain reliever.
But, this time what's different is I am really doing the work. I realize now that if I am serious about getting rid of this destructive habit, I must must do the work. I must put in the time. I must make charts. I must make time to cook. I must stop and tweet. I must re-prioritize. I can NOT just will it way or wish it away or say I am going to stop without researching, reading, sharing, opening-up - spending the time. And, I also realize I must commit day after day, week after week, month after month. I've wanted to slack off a couple times already and I'm only 4 days in!! Didn't want to blog tonight. Didn't want to note the food I was eating in the food journal a couple times, Didn't want to tweet a couple of meals. I realize I must humble myself to the fact this is an addiction and accept it will take some sustained effort. So, here is to committing to myself, my health. This is the year. Any encouragement is appreciated :)
-Blog every Wed/Sun to review my progress
-Keep a weekly food journal which I draw on the back of a 2013 Goal list (which means I'll have 45 pages by year end)
*This food journal is KEY to my recovery which I am committed to achieving this year and which I have Alen Standish over at Quit Binge Eating.com to thank. I note the day/time/food/hunger level for every meal and snack. I keep it with me wherever I go (in my purse when I'm out and in the kitchen when I get home). It serves as a reminder for me to STOP for two minutes before I eat anything. I stare at the food, assess my hunger level, my feelings about the food, my mood in general and just wait. I note on the page whether I did this. I also Twitter pictures of every snack and meal. So, many minutes go by before I even take a bite, but this is ESSENTIAL.
-Exercise/Run 4 days a week
-Eat a Paleo inspired diet: very little to no wheat. Protein, lots of vegetables and seeds (such as quinoa, millet, rice). Very little processed foods. I MAKE TIME TO COOK. It actually doesn't take too long. I post all my food on Twitter if you'd like to follow (freefrombinge).
-meditate/breathe once a day at least (and often at various moments during the day, just being tuned into my body so that I can be present).
-BRUSH MY TEETH BEFORE I TAKE THE KIDS UP TO BED. This is also Key for me since I am a night binger. I brush, go up, and DO NOT come back down.
-I set 6 alarms from 6:20 on until 10:30 when it's time for bed. The first alarm is to remind me to go brush my teeth NOW. The second at 6:45 is telling me if I haven't, then BRUSH NOW NO MATTER WHAT. Brush my teeth, wash my face, change out of my day clothes. All acts of taking care of myself which is very important in recovery from binge eating which is an act of not taking care of one-self. The next alarm is 8:30 to leave my kids rooms to go meditate and read and blog. Do things for myself. And, must sleep on time!
-STOP JUDGEMENT OF SELF when I binge and when I don't meet these goals here and there. Very important to have compassion for myself if I want to stop this addiction. Judgement stops ALL inner work.
-refrain from over-scheduling or committing to any new volunteer/work goals this year. This year is dedicated to my recovery.
Ok. So, how did I do these past four days? Great!
Week 1(out of 45 remaining weeks in 2013):
-I did not binge at all
-I actually put away cake and ice cream that I had portioned out to eat. I sat, stared at it, sipped coffee or hot water. Talked with my husband. Then stared some more and assessed how I felt. When the anxiety had passed (because remember, FEEL THE DISCOMFORT, DON'T DODGE IT. IT WON'T KILL YOU. WALK THROUGH IT), the craving went away and I was free. Still a bit uneasy at times, but mostly free. So, I was able to put it back!
-Faced pizza, cake at a party. Felt discomfort. The food was talking to me. But, I told myself that I am expansive, with the capacity to overcome and be bigger than all these feelings. So, did not eat any. Plus made sure I ate a healthy meal before (green smoothie, egg white, kale and tomatoes stir fried, 1 slice canadian bacon).
-Faced chinese new year goodies!!! Candy and sweets everywhere today! I ate some, but was able to stop by using the same techniques. I have to tell you guys. It was not easy. The pull of the food was so strong, and I was so anxious. But, I still portioned out and the key here is I tweeted the picture and emailed it to my sister. I do it every time. It really breaks the chain. I am able to feel more in control. I have even several times, including today, made food, assessed and realized I wasn't that hungry 3-4/10, and walked away to clean the house, then come back over an hour later to eat.
-Ran twice (so, 2 more times before Wednesday) and one of those was an 8 miler. I'm preparing for a half marathon in March. Yay!
-brushed my teeth before taking up the kids every day (alarm helps!)
-meditated/breathing exercises/body awareness moments throughout the day
-Kept my food journal/always tweeted my food and portioned and arranged for an aesthetic appeal (even a snack of nuts is placed in a crystal cup and captured on camera!)
I wanted to talk about one more thing..
I am one of those binge eaters who's not overweight. I am of average weight. Because of that, I have FOOLED myself for 20 years into believing I can beat this, no problem, without doing enough work. Every time I binged, I'd feel shame, guilt, block it out by eating or exercising and promise myself not to do it for a while. I kept believing the lie because I did not look like I had a problem. So, sometimes I'd actually be incredulous that I had this problem and couldn't understand why I didn't just stop it. If I did stop for a couple weeks, I'd think I had it beat and then I'd binge again. I was so miserable and hated myself. The self hate came from feeling weak and out of control, self judgement. I was a perfectionist and still tend to be. Plus, for ten of those years I was a television reporter in major US cities which was an added burden since I had to keep up appearances and after a night of binging, sometimes I just wanted to crawl under my bed. Add this to the high-stress nature of the job and my poor coping skills (which most of our parents were not good at modeling), binging became my comfort and pain reliever.
But, this time what's different is I am really doing the work. I realize now that if I am serious about getting rid of this destructive habit, I must must do the work. I must put in the time. I must make charts. I must make time to cook. I must stop and tweet. I must re-prioritize. I can NOT just will it way or wish it away or say I am going to stop without researching, reading, sharing, opening-up - spending the time. And, I also realize I must commit day after day, week after week, month after month. I've wanted to slack off a couple times already and I'm only 4 days in!! Didn't want to blog tonight. Didn't want to note the food I was eating in the food journal a couple times, Didn't want to tweet a couple of meals. I realize I must humble myself to the fact this is an addiction and accept it will take some sustained effort. So, here is to committing to myself, my health. This is the year. Any encouragement is appreciated :)
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Since my last post (2/1), I binged at a buffet (2/1 evening) and then again last night. So, it's been happening easily twice a week and sometimes more. This cycle has lasted probably the last five to six months and I've been steadily gaining probably about 5-7 pounds. I'm one of those binge eaters who does not look overweight and people are always surprised when I tell them I'm an emotional eater. I don't actually use the words "binge eater" with my friends, but my family members know. Though physically I am not an obvious binge eater, inside I am just as wrought by the burden of the behavior.
Again, my goal this year (which I'm achieving for the most part) is to stop the self judgement when I do binge which is a far cry from what I have done for years: bash myself and judge it as a huge weakness. I recommit every time I binge to not judge myself and to be open to what's happening inside; to understand so that I can change. These are my goals for 2013:
1. Focus on a diet heavy on freshly cooked vegetables and protein. Limit processed foods. Prioritze and make time to cook these meals.
2. Twitter pictures of every meal
3. Meditate/breathing exercises daily (AM and PM)
4. Run/exercise 4 days a week
5. Brush my teeth/clean up myself before I take the kids to bed (to mark end of eating) and retire for the night away from the kitchen (that's my weak link. I normally put the kids down, then have to pass through the kitchen to brush my teeth and get my laptop. Instead, due to a long day and feeling tired or stressed, I end up heading to the pantry and then I'm toast!).
6. Sleep on time (up at 5am to run)
7. Very careful to not over schedule my week which creates stress that triggers binge eating
8. No self judgement and harsh self talk (even if I don't meet these goals): observe/learn
9. Refrain from new work/volunteer projects in order to lower stress and spend time on writing/reading/creating awareness about my binge eating.
I plan on Twittering every morning whether I've achieved these daily goals. I'll blog here every Wednesday and Sunday as to how the week is going and has gone. Thanks for any support or encouragement you can give!
I believe my focus on trying to understand my binge-eating is causing parts of me to hold on tighter to the habit, which is why I've had more episodes in these past months. My superego does not want me to let go of this security blanket, yet this morning I told myself that every part of me (all my nervous systems, my subconscious, etc.) deserves to be free of this destructive habit, and free of the past/childhood that led me to turn to food for comfort. Until next time, follow me on Twitter.
Again, my goal this year (which I'm achieving for the most part) is to stop the self judgement when I do binge which is a far cry from what I have done for years: bash myself and judge it as a huge weakness. I recommit every time I binge to not judge myself and to be open to what's happening inside; to understand so that I can change. These are my goals for 2013:
1. Focus on a diet heavy on freshly cooked vegetables and protein. Limit processed foods. Prioritze and make time to cook these meals.
2. Twitter pictures of every meal
3. Meditate/breathing exercises daily (AM and PM)
4. Run/exercise 4 days a week
5. Brush my teeth/clean up myself before I take the kids to bed (to mark end of eating) and retire for the night away from the kitchen (that's my weak link. I normally put the kids down, then have to pass through the kitchen to brush my teeth and get my laptop. Instead, due to a long day and feeling tired or stressed, I end up heading to the pantry and then I'm toast!).
6. Sleep on time (up at 5am to run)
7. Very careful to not over schedule my week which creates stress that triggers binge eating
8. No self judgement and harsh self talk (even if I don't meet these goals): observe/learn
9. Refrain from new work/volunteer projects in order to lower stress and spend time on writing/reading/creating awareness about my binge eating.
I plan on Twittering every morning whether I've achieved these daily goals. I'll blog here every Wednesday and Sunday as to how the week is going and has gone. Thanks for any support or encouragement you can give!
I believe my focus on trying to understand my binge-eating is causing parts of me to hold on tighter to the habit, which is why I've had more episodes in these past months. My superego does not want me to let go of this security blanket, yet this morning I told myself that every part of me (all my nervous systems, my subconscious, etc.) deserves to be free of this destructive habit, and free of the past/childhood that led me to turn to food for comfort. Until next time, follow me on Twitter.
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